07

Aug

On the Proper Care and Feeding of Friendship: Revelations

When I started venturing out and trying to make more friends, I spent a lot of time just warming up to actually talking to people. It was enough for a while that I was not avoiding people day to day.

But when I got comfortable here, I wanted more.  Other people who,  at first,  seemed to be just acquaintances too were connecting and getting closer while I was stuck practicing small talk.

So I observed them, and what seems to be the key is that they care about each other.  Now the way I saw it a person cares about what happens to his or her friends and loved ones.  But what I noticed was that for people with a lot of social aptitude,  people you know become your friends when you show you care them.

lean on me

Listen and Follow Up

Here is an example.  You are chatting with an acquaintance and she mentions that her dog ate something wrong and needed to get checked.  You tell her of course that that is too bad and you hope everything goes well.  Well, maybe you’ve only talked to her twice.  Still, the next time you see her, ask how her appointment went and if everything is ok.  Show genuine but modest concern (don’t act like your heart is breaking for her.)  Even go out of your way to go see her or text her if you have her number and haven’t seen her.   You don’t have to love dogs or be besties.  But extending that concern brings you closer to that person, and the more you do this, the more friendship with this person will become an option for you.  You may not take the option, but it’s there.  It doesn’t take long but it’s a necessary step.

The follow up doesn’t need to be over anything too serious either.  Every time you talk with someone listen to what they tell you about, and think about how you can follow up at the next conversation.

So how was your movie?  You said last week you were planning to see __________

How are your kids?  Last time I talked to you you thought ____________ had an ear infection.

Are you glad to be finished with your economics class?  Your last class was Friday wasn’t it?  

So update me on that guy who keeps trying to ask you out.  Did he finally talk to you?

Revelations

Follow up with acquaintances, but don’t become the inaccessible person who listens cooly while offering nothing herself.  You have to reveal your thoughts and concerns too.  Share small confidences.  Nothing creepy or too intense, but open up a little.

Next week I start  a new class with this teacher who’s supposed to be insane on homework and I’m a little worried.

Sometimes I feel like I should be better at handling the kids.  Sometimes when they get out of hand, I just sit for a while and have no clue what to do.  

I get frustrated sometimes when __________ doesn’t __________.

To make friends or even just to have people care that you exist and think about you, you need to exchange confidences. Don’t gossip or gripe constantly, but let down your armor and show others that you are looking out for them as well.

300 days ago Short URL 1 Comment

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07

Aug

How to Tell An Anecdote, and Why

One or two sentence statements are fine for the beginning of a conversation, but if the conversation doesn’t progress to the stage where people are sharing anecdotes these sparks will die out.  When this happens either the conversation dies or others will progress and you will be left out.  If you are anything like me, you’ve had this helpless feeling a lot.   People all around you are chatting, laughing, sharing.  They seem to have all known each other.  When did this happen?

Well, a conversation has two parts. The first is small talk, trying out different topics, picking them up and putting them down.  But at some point someone will take up a topic and elaborate on it.  This is the anecdote stage and it’s where the fun and social gelling happens.  It does take courage,, but if you don’t go for it you will inevitably be left out.

What

An anecdote is a short, usually humorous story about something that happened to you or something you observed.  Most of the time it should be funny.

Yes, it should be humorous, but don’t worry.  No one is expecting you to entertain them.  Everyone knows you aren’t a stand up comedian, and, what’s more, the other person is in the same position.  You are all looking over your ordinary lives trying to find some sparkle to offer up.  The truth is that the anecdotes people tell when they gel socially aren’t mad-cap adventures that illustrate how fun and eventful their lives are.

Breaking News

Any experience you found amusing is an anecdote.  If you think about it you have several of these throughout a week, maybe even a day.  You got out of bed this morning so groggy you accidentally poured juice into your cereal.   You took your dog for a walk after a grooming and he broke away from you to chase a squirrel.  You didn’t find him for twenty minutes until you saw him rolling around in the mud at a neighbors.

Just share those moments that are little spikes in the rhythm of your own life.  And the more a story shows your mistakes, foibles, amusing failures, the better.  The farther away from bragging your stories and the more accessible, real, and relatable you show yourself to be, the more endearing people will find you.

How

Start simple, and don’t tell people that you have a funny story to tell them or that an experience was hilarious.  There is too much pressure to laugh and it will backfire.  Start off cool.  When a topic comes up that sparks an anecdote, at just start with something like “That reminds me of the time”. . .”Have I ever told you about”. . .” or just straight into it “Well, last week. . .”

Give background but keep it simple and move forward (a few sentences).  Get to the amusing part and dramatize.  Chuckle or smile.  Make faces.  Exaggerate movement.  Enjoy telling your own story.

If you find it amusing others will too. Don’t make the story more than it is.  Don’t give a big, fake laugh if you didn’t find the story that funny.  Don’t drag it out.  An anecdote should be about the size of a paragraph if you were writing it down.  Let the anecdote be an invitation for others to share their experiences.  This point, where people are sharing stories and experiences and laughter is bubbling is the sweet spot of the conversation.

Example - You just moved to a new office.  How is that going? . . .Great.  Lots of reorganizing though since it’s a smaller space.  I’ve had to get rid of a lot.  I felt like a pack rat….Oh, I know what you mean.  When we moved to ____ we had to get a smaller apartment, so we had to clean out our basement.  We were moving out all this furniture and boxes for the donation truck and at the back of everything we found last year’s Christmas tree – fully decorated! …Wow!  haha!. . . I know, isn’t that terrible?  Well it was a live tree too!  So it looked like a tumbleweed. _____ had to put on gardening gloves to get it out. And he’s picking it up in front of him so he doesn’t drag needles all over the floor.  So its like carrying a sack of cats.  His poor face got so scratched up.   No one could go down there without shoes.  We vacuumed but even now when we run the vacuum big, sharp, brown needles will fall out and they hurt!  Neglected Christmas tree’s revenge.     

Dive In

Details

To add life to your story, add description where it’s interesting, and leave it out where it’s distracting or irrelevant (Well it was a live tree too!  So it looked like a tall tumbleweed).    

Add body movement and facial expressions (_____ had to put on gardening gloves to get it out.  And he’s picking it up in front of him so he doesn’t drag needles all over the floor.  So its like carrying a sack of cats.  His poor face got so scratched up.  Elaborate here by acting out picking up the tree and twisting face to keep needles away)

Add comments.  Listen to your true voice in your head.  What do you say to yourself in the privacy of your own mind?  ( Neglected Christmas tree’s revenge.)  Share.

Don’t worry about what people think.   If you are genuine and keep it short, they will enjoy it.  If you are mildly amused, they will be.  But what’s more, they will like you and appreciate you for  adding life to the conversation and opening that door.  Now others will start sharing their own stories and thoughts on the topic, connecting with one another by revealing their experiences, and that is the true goal.

300 days ago Short URL 2 Comments

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07

Aug

Popping Out At Parties

Books on making friends or social skills often refer to how to behave at “the next cocktail party,” or they encourage you to “accept every invitation.”  I am not sure I believe in this mythical world in which introverts are turning down invitations left and right.  If you are anything like me you have no clue how anyone is invited to anything.  No one is begging you to eat lunch at their table.  You are wondering how, if you decided you did want to join a group instead of read your book or doodle in your journal, you would go about doing so without hyperventilating.


Well the good news is that a lot of people, extroverts included, aren’t mingling fabulously at the latest cocktail party.  To be sociable and make a friend you don’t need to jump out of a cake.  Most friendships happen simply, one-on-one or among two or three people.  They can develop with someone you chat with on your walks or with a few people you work with or sit by.  And when these friendships do develop, you may never get together at any kind of party.

To make friends and achieve balance you need to be willing to turn yourself inside out every once in awhile.   Push against your reserve and chat with someone you see often in your life.  Invite an acquaintance to do something with you.  Don’t worry about the parties.  They may never come.  But don’t label yourself (WARNING – Introvert:  Unsuitable for Human Contact ) and shut yourself away in a box.  Don’t avoid socializing because you don’t feel comfortable and then tell yourself it’s a choice.   Embrace who you are, but don’t let it confine you.

300 days ago Short URL 3 Comments

06

Aug

How to Make Plans

Extroverts seem to have no problems having something to do on the weekend or having people to hang out with.  They seem to have a lot of friends.  They make acquaintances into friends quickly by inviting them to hang out.  This is where many introverts have trouble. We may think, I don’t know this person well enough.  

But the problem with this thinking is that you are taking the invitation way to seriously.  It’s not a marriage proposal, it’s just lunch.  You just do what you would do normally (have lunch, see a movie, work on a scrapbook) but you do it with company.  That other person’s presence adds flavor and richness to the experience.  There is a band you like and they are giving a concert.  You can enjoy it alone, but the experience is better with a friend or two.  You are treating yourself to a frappuccino and a walk through the mall.  A friend adds warmth and camaraderie to the experience.

You don’t need to have a gold stamped certificate of friendship to invite someone to hang out or do something with you.  In fact, inviting someone out and really connecting with them is the way you open the door toward making that acquaintance your friend.

How

Look for opportunities when you are talking to invite the person to do something.  As you talk pay attention to interests, hobbies, and habits you share.  Every time one comes up give create an open invitation.

Examples 

I have been wanting to finish my scrapbook project for my wedding. . .I know what you mean.  I started one for my nieces and nephews.  Maybe sometime next week you can bring your things over and we can have coffee and work on them together.

It’s been so hot, I’ve been turning on the sprinklers for the kids. . .You should come over this weekend and go to the pool with us for an hour or two.  We usually go right before lunch.

The more informal and less complicated the better.  If you are going to the pool, don’t arrange for a picnic lunch and don’t set a fast time.  The best plans to suggest are those things you would do anyway.  That way if feels less like asking this person on a date.

It should be a plan that involves very little money.  Don’t invite an acquaintance to do to a 30 dollar event 40 miles away unless you really know it’s a sure thing.  But if it is, go for it!  For example, if you spent a whole conversation talking about how much you love a certain band and you later find out the band is giving a concert in your area, you can message the person or text and ask if they want to go.  The person might say she can’t spend the money right now, but you still got the message across that you like the idea of spending more time with this person.

You might feel like you need to get up the courage to ask a person to do something, but it’s better to do the opposite.  Suggest a lot of get togethers (We should walk the trail sometime….We should check out that cupcake place sometime…If you ever want to try that workshop ‘ll go with you) because you’ll come across less needy and awkward.  The other person won’t feel the pressure of being the basket into which you’ve put all your eggs.

301 days ago Short URL Comments

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06

Aug

The Entropy of Conversation

Some introverts have trouble talking because don’t know what to say.  Yet, others, whether they feel anxiety or are simply too self-involved, have away of creating uncomfortable silence.    This awkwardness can feed into anxiety about social situations.  So here is what might be going wrong.

The longer a conversation goes on, the more topics are added, and the greater the unpredictability.  You have to let the conversation expand.  Don’t try to narrow the focus by insisting on returning to a topic others have left behind.  You have to adapt your questions and comments to what is being said at the moment.

Looks like my car needs new brakes. . . Yeah, that’s too bad.  So like I was saying before, they really need to clean out the pool. . . (um… right.)  

Conversations will become inert unless acted upon.

Have you been able to get up to the beach yet this summer?. . . No.  (Um…ok.  Now what?)  

Find something to say on the topic offered.  Don’t second guess yourself.

A topic will expend its potential energy until acted upon by an opposing force.   Every topic has a natural stopping point.  Yet, if a conversation is flowing one way and you interrupt that flow,  the balance is inertia.  The conversation stops.

I finally got up the courage to ask for a  raise the other day.  I explained that I was a valuable. . .Did you?  That’s great.  I got a great raise last year….(Well, great.  So now we are talking about you I guess. Silence).

Don’t worry so much about being interesting.  Be interested and considerate and the conversation will reach its full potential.


301 days ago Short URL Comments

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06

Aug

How to Create a Distraction When You Don’t Want to Share

Telling someone what you have been up to is a good way of feeding a conversation, but sometimes you don’t want to talk about yourself. There are still a few good options for getting a conversation going.

Make an Observation.  Follow with a Question.

So I saw that new frozen yogurt place opened up down the street.  Has anyone been there yet? 

That new Harry Potter movie that came out yesterday.  Anyone read any reviews?

It’s supposed to get up to be a sunny, clear weekend.  Anyone have plans to get out and enjoy the weather?  (Don’t fear sounding lame for talking about the weather.  Usually it’s just an opening for other topics, like what people’s plans are).


Ask an Open Question

Just ask, “What are your plans for this weekend” or “What have you been up to lately?”    This is one of the easiest ways to spark a conversation because there is always an answer.  You can work with any response.

Example: Have any plans for the weekend?. . . .Well, not really.  I might go to a movie. . . .That sounds like a good idea.  What are you thinking of seeing?. . . .

Talk About Someone Else

Don’t gossip because this creates an impression that you are untrustworthy and mean-spirited, but go ahead and use others as topics for conversation.

I saw Allie the other day.  She finally started her Master’s course!. . . .Oh, that’s great.  She was worried after taking time off she wouldn’t go back. 

Allie is really learning a lot in Mrs. Carwell’s class.  The other day she was talking about The Underground Railroad. . .Esther likes her too!  She has a really creative approach. . .I know!  I really liked the way she explained…

There is always something to talk about as long as you can keep trying different topic.  One of them will be the button that moves you forward.

301 days ago Short URL Comments

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06

Aug

How to Answer “How Are You?”

Plan Ahead - If you know you are going to be in a social situation, you know that the first question someone will ask is, “How have you been?” The answer of course is “fine,” but if don’t offer anything after that,  the conversation can fall awkwardly silent.  So get a few snapshots in your mind of some recent events in your life.  Don’t worry about being dull.  Most of the time everyone else’s life is just as boring as yours.  Keep it light and be yourself.    You purpose is to start up and feed the conversation.

Examples

I finally had time to browse the bookstore last week.  I picked up an interesting book the other day. . . .Oh really?. . . .Yes it was all about the possibility of time travel. . . .That sounds interesting. . . .It was!  The idea was that. . . 

I spent all Saturday cleaning out my closet.  Now my room is a wreck. . . Oh, no.  I hate cleaning. . . .Well, I really needed to do it.  It was like a wall of junk in there and I really wanted to finish this art project that was buried in there. . .What are you working on?. . . .Oh, it’s this photography project I started.  It’s. . .

Think about what has been going on in your life.  It doesn’t need to be fabulously fun or fascinating.  Even if all you did was watch TV, you can use that.  If you say  ”I’ve just been catching up on What Not to Wear,” you’re opening up a path for conversation.  Maybe you’ll talk about your opinions on fashion, Stacy London’s gray streak, or how you would design a make over show of your own.

Just share.

301 days ago Short URL Comments

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